This is where my work/ gym/ personal needs my attention the most..... I could not determined which one is the priority..... everything is important.....
I struggled to put everything together.... my patience was at the peak.... i nearly throw the 'nuclear bomb' to everybody.... thank God I'm 29 yrs old now... huahauhauha... guess the age does give you the 'appropriate wisdom' to 'conquer' your 'evil'.... :D I can still recall if it was 10 yrs ago, I would not hesitate to scream at anyone just because I disagree with their opinion/ thoughts/ suggestions.... well it didn't do me any good is it? I apologize to all my friends which I hurt then... Unknowingly, I made them feel very 'small'... again.. so sorry....
July 2008.... I prefer the current Leonora.... less 'screaming', less 'violent' and definitely wiser.... and looking at a few collegues/ team mates/ friends doing something that reflects my old 'style' makes me wanna cry.... I don't think I have the rights to say to them what is wrong and what is right.... But deep inside I know that they are destroying their innerself... eventhough some of them, you can consider as 'not my friend', a small portion in my heart do care for them.. yes they hurt me, yes they do badmouthing me and yes they hate me.... but i don't hate them... i pity them... they are not 16 or 17 yrs old anymore... they are so more than my age and yet their action shows that they have a brain of a spoilt brat juvenile delinquent.... again.. pity.... hopefully, God opens their heart to see that they are destroying themselves.... and they are very good at that, trust me, no doubt! :D
The week also opened my mind and heart to a different perspective of the world.... okay.. for some of you who didn't know me, let me summarize a bit about myself and then you'll understand what I'm trying to say...
I grew up in Kelantan in a 'full family'.. meaning... i have my parents, a sister, a brother, grandparents, uncles/aunties and lots of cousins.... my mum was a teacher.. a great one! :D my dad is very good in this rock garden/ mural kinda of thing... my bro and sis followed my mom's footsteps and me ended up with 'bodyjam teacher'.. ok la tu kan.. kena sipi sipi je.. primary and secondary school in Kelantan... move to KL during Uni time and now me earn my living in KL... we are not rich.... but never in my life i woke up with a hungry stomach... cukup makan, cukup pakai.. every Hari Raya I'll get new clothes... I'll get at least a greeting card for every accomplishment that I've got... my sis/ bro and I are 'brainwashed' by our parents that education/ ilmu is everything... we need to 'earn' our living... 'earn' money to live but don't let money leads your life... being rich it's not necessary in bringing happiness in life... so we were brought up with cukup-cukup sahaja nothing more, nothing less... my parents worked very hard to make sure that their children have a 'normal' life... never in my life i feel that i'm alone.... even in my deepest misery, my family (my two soul sistas included) are always there for me.... so if people said i'm lucky... yes, I have to agree with them.. Yes, I am lucky!!! I'm so grateful for that....
So in between my 18 yrs old until now... God always 'introduces' me with 'troubled' people... I have/ had friend/s who became 'something' which it will never cross my mind to do the same thing.... I used to hate her/him/them for that..... meaning their action.. I never think of why they chose that path and why they became like that.... but now I can make sense out of it.... They are not me! They didn't have the same background as me... they didn't grow up as I do... they are not blessed with family that I have.... so, I can't compare myself to them... I can't judge them for that....
in conclusion, i'll never agree with what they do but now i do understand why they became like that.... for those outside which is 'old' enough to think... do think wisely.... before you end up destroying your own life... especially for you guys who already has children of your own... ;-) don't give them wealth... give them education... dunia dan akhirat.. insyaAllah...
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